Never underestimate the power of aftercare.
This essential part of BDSM helps you to recover physically and emotionally after a kink scene. It doesn’t matter if you’re Dom, sub, or switch, a hardcore player or a nervous newbie; finish your scene with aftercare for a more fulfilling experience.
Not sure where to start? Here are 11 aftercare tips, ideas, and rituals to help you on your kinky path.
Read: A Psychologist Explains Why ‘Sexual Aftercare’ Is Just As Important As Foreplay
Create a cozy space
Create a cozy sanctuary where you can retreat after a full-on scene. Set the mood by dimming the lights and burning scented candles or incense.
I like lavender as I find the fragrance soothing and comforting. You can also play soft music in the background, opt for relaxing sounds like the waves rolling in the ocean, or try white noise for something different.
Fill your space with soft and squishy pillows and fluffy blankets for warmth and comfort.
Read: Here's how you can use your post-sex time to deepen intimacy
Gentle touch and reassurance
You might both feel emotionally and physically raw after a play session, so it’s important to offer reassurance and plenty of tender loving care.
I love to be stroked and caressed by my play partner, and snuggles and cuddles are essential. Holding hands can be comforting, too, as can simply lying next to one another.
Sharing a positive physical connection can help you both to feel calm, safe, and grounded after an intense session.
Talk and check in
Generate a safe space after play, where you can openly communicate.
You can have a light-hearted chat to check in with one another, reassure, and help you slide back into reality, or you might prefer to have a more in-depth discussion.
It’s useful to chat about what you enjoyed and pinpoint any things that you weren’t sure about – but you might not want to get too deep and meaningful straight after play (see long term emotional aftercare).
Hydration and snacks
Kink scenes can take their toll and prove exhausting, so make sure you drink plenty of fresh water afterwards. That said if you fancy a soda, chocolate milk or a beer, it’s ok to indulge in that too – just take it easy.
Light snacks, such as fruit, nuts, and chocolate, are also handy for replenishing energy, especially after physically demanding play.
Emotional reassurance
Some kink scenes, such as heavy impact or humiliation and degradation style play, can be more demanding than others.
Once the scene is over, reassure your partner by offering positive affirmations to remind them of their value and worth.
Emotionally nurturing your partner will build confidence, help forge a stronger connection, and foster trust.
Building a greater sense of intimacy can also help you to engage in more intense play at a later date.
Clean up together
Playing can be a messy business, so it’s important to clean up afterwards. If you’re playing at an event, you’ll need to work out who will tidy away the kit and cleanse the equipment ready for the next players.
This job may be given to the submissive, but sometimes a sub needs immediate recovery time, and in this case, the clean-up might fall to the Dom.
There might also be some cleanup regarding freshening up. Heavy impact or sharps might cause bleeding, whilst wax play will inevitably require wax residue to be removed from the body.
There may be fluids to clean up too, so use warm water, towels, lotions etc. to clean and soothe the skin.
Bath or massage rituals
As part of your cleanup, you can take a cleansing shower or a relaxing bath if there’s a suitable bathroom to facilitate this.
Sink into the warm water and enjoy a leisurely soak. You can add soapy bubbles, essential oils, or bath salts for a more indulgent experience. A massage can be pleasurable too, as it’s a great way to soothe tired muscles post-play.
Give space if needed
Whilst some people like to be cuddled and looked after, others prefer to have some space and alone time.
Respect your play partner’s need for quiet time by moving away and asking them when you should check back in.
If you need space be sure to let your partner know that you’re taking time out – don’t just go and hide away with no communication.
Other forms of aftercare
Not everyone responds to the same type of aftercare.
Some like to be wrapped in a blanket and have a snuggle. Others like to sit down and share a drink and chat with their play partner.
For me, aftercare depends on the type of play I’ve engaged in. When I’m a rope bunny I like to take some time to relax, wrapped in a blanket, while I return to normality.
However, when I take a good beating during impact play, I have a tendency to want something sugary, a good natter and sometimes even a dance after!
Long-term emotional aftercare
You might feel great immediately after the scene and feel bouncy throughout the next day, but the day after that, you could drop and feel inexplicably teary.
Both Doms and subs can suffer from drop at any time, so checking in is critical. Talk with your partner after the scene, and set a time for a follow-up chat or call to ensure they feel adequately supported.
Read: Dom Drop: 4 Aftercare Techniques For Dealing With It
My lover and I call this our “de-brief.” We take the time to discuss the scene, highlighting what we enjoyed and worked well, picking up things that could have gone better, and talking about anything that caused discomfort etc.
Aftercare kit
Pull together an aftercare kit before you begin any scene. The kit should include drinks such as fresh water, snacks, a blanket, and anything else you have discussed.
The kit can be kept with your safety kit (safety shears, mobile phone, first aid kit, any medication etc) for easy access.
Aftercare for emotional and physical wellbeing
Aftercare is an essential part of play as it nurtures both physical and emotional wellbeing. Scenes can vary in intensity and complexity, so at times you may need more aftercare than others.
There are various rituals and techniques you can adopt, so you will need to see what fits with your dynamic and what works with your scene.
Take care of yourself and your play partners.