All BDSM activities carry a level of risk, so you always need to adopt a safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) approach.
This involves obtaining consent from all parties, outlining expectations, setting boundaries, and identifying safe words, ideas, and systems for prudent play.
Read: Consent and Communication in Kink: How to Set Boundaries and Explore Safely
Safe words are a critical communication tool, ensuring safety, comfort, and clear boundaries during kinky activities.
When I’m discussing a scene with my Dominant, we always recap safe words and signals (we tend to use the same ones all of the time). I love to have fun, but SSC is always at the forefront of our play, so I want to share a few safe word ideas and systems with you.
What are safe words?
Safe words and signals are pre-agreed and used to stop or slow down sexual or BDSM activity. Using those indicators during a scene helps protect boundaries and eases communication.
It’s also important to point out that safe words and signals need to be identified before any play takes place, and everyone involved must know what they are.
If you’re playing with a new partner, discuss safe words and signals as part of the scene negotiation. Even if you’ve played with a partner before, it’s still important to go over safe words and signals again to make sure everyone remembers.
Safe word ideas
There are plenty of safe words and signals you can use to guide a scene and communicate with one another.
Come up with words of your own if you like, but the kink community does have a standard system that works well.
Let’s explore a few ideas.
The traffic light system
As the name suggests, the Traffic Light System relies on colors to guide the scene. As with normal traffic lights, green indicates the submissive is doing fine and that the Dominant should continue with the session.
When I say “green,” my Dominant knows I’m suggesting that not only am I doing fine, but I could also take more. This is a green light for him to increase the intensity.
If a submissive uses the word “yellow,” or “amber,” as per traffic lights, they are requesting the Dominant slow down or proceed with caution.
I use the word amber to let my Dominant know I am reaching my limit. I don’t want to stop, but I might need a moment to compose myself. If my Dominant slows or decreases intensity, I have time to recover, and I can usually handle much more.
If a submissive yells “red,” the Dominant needs to cease play immediately. Red indicates the sub has reached their limit and does not want to continue with the activity or scene.
Calling red is not weak or a cop-out; it’s a powerful tool used to convey that you’ve reached your limit for that particular scene.
My Dominant and I use the traffic light scene regularly and find it works well. We attended an event recently where I was secured to St Andrew’s Cross for a well-earned beating.
My Dom gave me a good warm-up, and I endured the flogger well. However, I found the cane more difficult to take, so I yelled out “amber” to let my guy know I needed a little respite.
Unrelated words and common phrases
Don’t use words like “stop” and “no” as safe words. As a submissive, you might find yourself saying these words alongside moans and groans, and they won’t necessarily be a true representation of your desire to end the play.
Using common phrases such as “I need a break” or “let’s pause” to indicate you are overwhelmed can work well, provided the Dominant knows you will be using them.
Better still, use an unusual out-of-context word, such as pineapple, unicorn, or penguin, for your safe word.
Using this type of word allows you to communicate discomfort or a need to stop without breaking the immersion of the scene.
This is particularly useful if you are playing as a group, as the others can continue without losing momentum.
Single letters or numbers
Alternatively, you could use letters from the alphabet, e.g., “A” for all is well, “B” for slow down or lower the intensity, and “C” to stop.
Again, this can work well provided the Dominant is aware of the system. Numbers can be a useful indication tool, too.
The Dominant can ask the submissive to rate the level of discomfort from 1-10. If the submissive replies 9, the Dom knows they are nearing their limit; if it’s a 5, the sub is experiencing moderate levels of discomfort.
Safe word systems for different dynamics
A single safe word or a trio of safe words isn’t always going to cut it in certain scenarios. For instance, if the submissive is gagged or hooded, they will struggle to say anything, let alone a safe word.
When verbal communication is not possible, you can use a signal, such as a hand squeeze or dropping an object, to indicate that the Dom needs to slow down or stop.
You can also color-code BDSM activities within the scene, which is really useful when you’re doing more than one thing at once, e.g., the sub has their wrists and ankles shackled, they are hooded, and receiving a paddling to their backside.
In this case, “blue” could indicate cuffs are too tight, “pink” could indicate the hood is too much, and “orange” could indicate the spanking is too harsh.
How to implement and use safe words effectively
You must discuss and agree on safe words as part of your negotiation before any play.
It’s also essential that you check in with one another during the scene, especially if you’re engaging in hardcore play.
If you hear a safe word, abide by it immediately; there should be no questioning and no debate.
Using safe words should be a natural part of your scene and respected by all involved. You can use safe words in different ways depending on the scene.
If you’re involved in a heavy humiliation and degradation scene, you could set the safe word as “banana.” The sub can shout “banana” if it all gets too much.
Impact play, such as spanking, lends itself well to the Traffic Light System. So, the sub can say green to continue, yellow or amber to slow things down or and red to stop that spanking immediately!
Read: A Beginner’s Guide to Impact Play
The importance of safe words
Using safe words won’t spoil the scene; on the contrary, safe words should provide those playing with confidence.
Safe words foster trust and safeguard all those involved, and they are an essential part of play.
You might want to try out a few safe words ideas and systems for size before choosing, but make sure you communicate up front to avoid any confusion.