Being far away from your lover isn’t always easy. I can vouch for that, as I’ve spent many nights at home alone while my other half works away for long periods.
Our union is far from vanilla, and we initially had no clue how to practice kink and BDSM in a long-term relationship.
Fast forward a few years and we’re now a dab hand at maintaining our D/s (Dominant/submissive) dynamic from afar.
It’s taken plenty of patience, oodles of creativity, and clear communication, but I’m pleased to say we’re thriving, and enjoying lots of kinky fun.
Establishing consent and setting boundaries
It doesn’t matter if you’re in the same room or at different ends of the country, if you’re engaging in kinky play, you’ll need to establish consent and set boundaries.
You can do this remotely, and for me, the best way to connect is via a video call. You still get to look one another in the eye as you talk through what you’re good with and what you’re not.
This is the time to agree on consent, outline expectations, set boundaries, and establish safe words or signals.
Sexting and erotic images
Sharing explicit content can be a turn-on, but you’ll need to work out what you’re comfortable sending and seeing beforehand.
You might want to establish the right time to send and receive messages and images too, after all, no one wants to open a full-frontal dick or pussy pic while surrounded by colleagues in a crowded lift.
Suggestive messages can be as alluring as explicit content, and I like to tease my partner when he’s far away by telling him how much I’m missing him. From there I’ll start telling him what I would like to do to him and outline what I’d like him to do to me.
I like to torment with slightly out-of-focus photographs of naked thighs, or a shot of my cleavage. If I’m feeling really naughty, I might film myself stripping or using a sex toy to make myself cum.
Exploring sensory deprivation
You might not be able to touch one another but you can still make use of all your senses to boost enjoyment. You can send your partner a set of sexy instructions designed to tease and heighten anticipation.
My lover sent a naughty note asking I strip to lacy undies, recline on the bed, and switch to video call at 8 pm. He also suggested I pull on a loose bondage hood and have one of my vibrators next to me.
As the hours ticked by, I felt myself willing 8 pm to roll around, and right on the dot he called. I propped my phone up and pulled the hood over my head. I couldn’t see a thing but I could hear his voice, and as he suggested I hold the vibrator against my pussy I felt the wetness between my thighs.
You can also use headphones and wrist & ankle restraints to enhance kinky fun.
Safety should be paramount, so if you’re using restraints be careful. Use cuffs with a quick-release mechanism and always keep safety shears to hand if you’re self-tying.
Read: How to try BDSM alone: solo BDSM ideas and scenarios
Virtual Domination and submission
Power play can be difficult to execute from a distance, but with practice, you can make it work.
The Dominant can maintain authority by setting rules, sending instructions, and issuing commands remotely. This can be done by email, mobile messages, or by phone calls.
My Dom likes to send me daily tasks to keep me on my toes, this can be anything from cleaning his shoes to booking a nice restaurant so we can go for a meal when he finally gets home.
Remote control play
Enhance your relationship by investing in app-compatible vibrators to add more spice.
There are plenty of great sex toys designed to tease and titillate, and even if you’re miles apart you can still give your lover a thrill.
Choose a good-quality toy with an app control so you can participate in real-time play. You can also sync your gadgets with schedules, which is perfect for planned sessions or spontaneous kink.
Long-distance punishments and rewards
As part of our D/s dynamic, my partner and I have a BDSM contract.
A contract isn’t a necessity, but it works well for us as it provides structure to our lifestyle. We find this useful when maintaining a long-distance relationship, as the contract outlines expectations, and enables us to celebrate our power exchange dynamic.
My lover enjoys setting goals and the contract includes a section on punishments and rewards. This may sound daunting to you, but I find the carrot and stick technique motivational, and it’s also lots of fun.
If I meet a goal I might be treated to a gorgeous pair of heels or the bright red lipstick I’ve had my eye on for a couple of weeks.
That said, the thing I most like to receive is plenty of praise, and simply being called a “good girl” makes me weak at the knees.
While rewards are nice, consequences can be interesting too.
If I don’t meet a goal or behave inappropriately, I might be punished. This could involve being instructed to stand in the corner facing the wall, writing lines, or even an early bedtime (no fun at all)!
Near or far, you can make kink and BDSM work wherever you are!
It might not be as easy as sharing a bed or rocking up at a kink event as a duo, but you can still play together when you’re far apart.
You’ll need a good mix of patience, creativity, and flexibility to ensure you maintain a healthy balance of fun and intimacy, and this can’t always be achieved immediately.
Take your time and get used to building a connection from a distance, then try out kinky acts and sexy scenarios to find the things that work for you.
Frequently asked questions about long-distance D/s play
How do we establish consent and boundaries when we’re not in the same room?
Do a proper negotiation over video so you can read faces and tones. List hard limits, soft limits, and explicit “yes/no/maybe” items. Agree on clear safe words (classic: green/yellow/red) and a nonverbal backup for video calls (for example, an open palm = “stop,” two thumbs up = “I’m OK”). Decide a check-in cadence and an emergency plan (who to call, how to end a session). Put anything you both want to keep in writing or a private shared doc so you can revisit and renegotiate.
What’s the safest way to sext and share erotic images from afar?
Use end-to-end encrypted apps (Signal is a good choice) and ephemeral/disappearing messages when possible. Avoid sending identifiable photos (no faces, visible house numbers, or metadata) or send lower-res, cropped shots if you’re nervous. Turn off automatic cloud backups for those conversations and always ask permission before saving or reposting content. Agree in advance on “when, where, and who” (for example, “no send before 9am” or “no workplace pics”) so neither partner is surprised.
Can I try sensory deprivation or bondage alone while my Dom is remote - and how do I stay safe?
Yes-but safety first. Prefer blindfolds or eye masks to full hooding when you’re alone. Never use techniques that restrict breathing without someone present. Use quick-release cuffs or wrist/ankle restraints (avoid tightly self-tied rope) and keep safety shears within reach. Set an automatic check-in (for example, your Dom calls in 15 minutes) and a fail-safe: if you miss the call, you text “green” within an agreed time; otherwise you follow a prearranged escape plan. Keep your phone charged and within reach at all times.
How do we maintain a D/s dynamic when we’re long-distance without it feeling fake?
Rituals and micro-commands keep the power exchange alive: daily tasks, morning check-ins, assigned outfits, chore lists, or brief tasks that fit day-to-day life. Use scheduled rituals (a bedtime message, a weekly “service” assignment) and mix non-sexual control (planning meals, grooming tasks) with kinky play (edging schedules, permission rules). Keep everything consensual and negotiable-check in on feelings regularly and be flexible when life gets busy.
Are app-controlled toys safe for long-distance play? Any tech tips?
App-controlled toys can be great, but treat them like any connected device. Buy from reputable brands, read privacy policies, keep firmware and apps updated, use strong unique passwords, and avoid sharing account credentials. Prefer toys/apps that offer paired-session controls or temporary access codes for partners. Plan for connectivity hiccups: have a manual fallback (for example, an agreed chore or non-tech task) and never rely on a toy as your only safety mechanism.
How do punishments, rewards, and contracts work long-distance without crossing a line?
Make rules explicit, measurable, and reversible. Rewards can be gifts, planned dates for your next visit, lingerie, or praise (a well-timed “good girl” goes a long way). Keep punishments safe and non-humiliating when applied remotely: extra chores, writing assignments, earlier bedtimes, or temporary loss of small privileges. If you use a contract, include limits, safe words, an opt-out clause, review dates, and an aftercare plan (texts, calls, check-ins). Always ensure punishments are consensual and that aftercare happens even when partners are apart.