Being far away from your lover isn’t always easy. I can vouch for that, as I’ve spent many nights at home alone while my other half works away for long periods.
Our union is far from vanilla, and we initially had no clue how to practice kink and BDSM in a long-term relationship.
Fast forward a few years and we’re now a dab hand at maintaining our D/s (Dominant/submissive) dynamic from afar.
It’s taken plenty of patience, oodles of creativity, and clear communication, but I’m pleased to say we’re thriving, and enjoying lots of kinky fun.
Establishing consent and setting boundaries
It doesn’t matter if you’re in the same room or at different ends of the country, if you’re engaging in kinky play, you’ll need to establish consent and set boundaries.
You can do this remotely, and for me, the best way to connect is via a video call. You still get to look one another in the eye as you talk through what you’re good with and what you’re not.
This is the time to agree on consent, outline expectations, set boundaries, and establish safe words or signals.
Sexting and erotic images
Sharing explicit content can be a turn-on, but you’ll need to work out what you’re comfortable sending and seeing beforehand.
You might want to establish the right time to send and receive messages and images too, after all, no one wants to open a full-frontal dick or pussy pic while surrounded by colleagues in a crowded lift.
Suggestive messages can be as alluring as explicit content, and I like to tease my partner when he’s far away by telling him how much I’m missing him. From there I’ll start telling him what I would like to do to him and outline what I’d like him to do to me.
I like to torment with slightly out-of-focus photographs of naked thighs, or a shot of my cleavage. If I’m feeling really naughty, I might film myself stripping or using a sex toy to make myself cum.
Exploring sensory deprivation
You might not be able to touch one another but you can still make use of all your senses to boost enjoyment. You can send your partner a set of sexy instructions designed to tease and heighten anticipation.
My lover sent a naughty note asking I strip to lacy undies, recline on the bed, and switch to video call at 8 pm. He also suggested I pull on a loose bondage hood and have one of my vibrators next to me.
As the hours ticked by, I felt myself willing 8 pm to roll around, and right on the dot he called. I propped my phone up and pulled the hood over my head. I couldn’t see a thing but I could hear his voice, and as he suggested I hold the vibrator against my pussy I felt the wetness between my thighs.
You can also use headphones and wrist & ankle restraints to enhance kinky fun.
Safety should be paramount, so if you’re using restraints be careful. Use cuffs with a quick-release mechanism and always keep safety shears to hand if you’re self-tying.
Read: How to try BDSM alone: solo BDSM ideas and scenarios
Virtual Domination and submission
Power play can be difficult to execute from a distance, but with practice, you can make it work.
The Dominant can maintain authority by setting rules, sending instructions, and issuing commands remotely. This can be done by email, mobile messages, or by phone calls.
My Dom likes to send me daily tasks to keep me on my toes, this can be anything from cleaning his shoes to booking a nice restaurant so we can go for a meal when he finally gets home.
Remote control play
Enhance your relationship by investing in app-compatible vibrators to add more spice.
There are plenty of great sex toys designed to tease and titillate, and even if you’re miles apart you can still give your lover a thrill.
Choose a good-quality toy with an app control so you can participate in real-time play. You can also sync your gadgets with schedules, which is perfect for planned sessions or spontaneous kink.
Long-distance punishments and rewards
As part of our D/s dynamic, my partner and I have a BDSM contract.
A contract isn’t a necessity, but it works well for us as it provides structure to our lifestyle. We find this useful when maintaining a long-distance relationship, as the contract outlines expectations, and enables us to celebrate our power exchange dynamic.
My lover enjoys setting goals and the contract includes a section on punishments and rewards. This may sound daunting to you, but I find the carrot and stick technique motivational, and it’s also lots of fun.
If I meet a goal I might be treated to a gorgeous pair of heels or the bright red lipstick I’ve had my eye on for a couple of weeks.
That said, the thing I most like to receive is plenty of praise, and simply being called a “good girl” makes me weak at the knees.
While rewards are nice, consequences can be interesting too.
If I don’t meet a goal or behave inappropriately, I might be punished. This could involve being instructed to stand in the corner facing the wall, writing lines, or even an early bedtime (no fun at all)!
Near or far, you can make kink and BDSM work wherever you are!
It might not be as easy as sharing a bed or rocking up at a kink event as a duo, but you can still play together when you’re far apart.
You’ll need a good mix of patience, creativity, and flexibility to ensure you maintain a healthy balance of fun and intimacy, and this can’t always be achieved immediately.
Take your time and get used to building a connection from a distance, then try out kinky acts and sexy scenarios to find the things that work for you.