As a submissive, I enjoy being told what to do. It makes me feel vulnerable, but I also find it thrilling. My Dominant partner takes the lead, issuing commands that I willingly obey.
Ours is a 24/7 total power exchange (TPE) relationship, but you don’t have to go as hardcore as we do to enjoy a D/s (Dom/sub) scenario in the bedroom.
Read: D/s Relationship: Beginners Guide And Infographic
What you do need is a strong bond with your partner, featuring mutual respect and a substantial amount of trust. You’ll need confidence in one another and the ability to communicate.
If you’re interested in exploring power dynamics and taking the lead, you need to know how to be sexually dominant in bed and ways to implement your role.
Set clear boundaries and establish consent
You can’t jump feet first into power exchange. No matter how excited you are, you must discuss the planned D/s scenario with your partner before play.
My partner and I adopt an SSC approach (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and practise RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).
Negotiate your scene in a safe and respectful environment where you can freely express limits. This is the time to discuss your desires and expectations, establishing consent.
You also need to outline boundaries and identify safe words/signals to ensure you’re both comfortable with the scene.
Read: The 19 Types Of Doms, Plus Tips & Examples For Each Type
Take control of the pace
If you’re going to be Dominant in the bedroom, you need to have the confidence to take control. Be assertive by setting the pace; you’re in charge, so you can decide when to slow things down and when to speed things up.
That said, remember to respect your lover’s boundaries and safe word/signal, while being bossy! Take the lead and maintain control by using verbal cues and non-verbal cues – telling and showing your lover what to do can be exhilarating for both of you.
Use commands and verbal direction
As a submissive, I need to receive clear instructions from my Dominant. It turns me on when I hear his firm voice telling me what to do or how to respond.
I love it when he tells me to strip or to bend over so he can take me doggy style. I get wet knowing he has the power to fuck me any way he chooses. Although my Dom is strict in the bedroom, he’s also sexy and caring.
That’s important to me, as letting someone else take control of your body leaves you feeling exposed. He seamlessly manages to be stern and sensual, allowing me to feel helpless but sexually excited.
Above all, I know he respects my body and our dynamic, so I always feel at ease with him.
Introduce light restraints
Restraints can help set the mood and enhance a D/s scene. There are plenty of options, including metal handcuffs, cuffs, rope, bondage tape, silk ties, or cable ties.
If you’re both new to using restraints, start with something easy to use and pliable, such as soft and adjustable fabric or leather cuffs.
Trust is paramount when it comes to bondage. Check in with your partner regularly to ensure they are comfortable and make sure you have a pair of safety shears to hand for quick release (just in case).
Read: How to use sex restraints: list, how-to, scenarios
Incorporate sensory deprivation
Sensory deprivation involves reducing or removing some of the senses, such as sight, sound, and touch. This can heighten other senses and provide an intense D/s experience.
I adore it when my Dom places a blindfold over my eyes or a hood over my head to prevent me from seeing what he’s up to. Lying there (usually naked), my Dom toys with my body, caressing my bare skin and touching me intimately. He’s used earplugs and headphones before, too, to block out sound.
I find the heady combo of a hood and headphones, along with bondage mitts on my hand, almost mind-boggling.
There’s something about the helplessness that sends me into a sexual spin.
Not being able to see, hear, or touch is all-encompassing, and even the most feather-light of sexual touches leaves me breathless for more.
Read: BDSM sensory deprivation for beginners: how to guide
Tease and denial
Tease and denial are deliciously naughty. I hate it but love it when my Dom decides to take control by teasing me and denying pleasure for brief periods.
This level of give and take makes me feel horny as hell, as one minute I’m enjoying being fingered or licked, and the next, my Dom moves away, leaving me desperate for more.
The desire builds, along with frustration, and I usually succumb to begging for his touch (which turns him on even more)!
Be physically assertive
I like a Dominant partner with presence. My Dom is a big fella and can manhandle me by moving me around and positioning me however he wants to.
You need to ascertain how much physical force you and your lover are comfortable with before play (as per your negotiation). I love to be held down during sex, but that’s not everyone’s idea of a good time, so check in before you get too handsy.
Use toys to enhance power play
With so many sex toys and implements available, there are plenty of ways to enhance power play. Involve sex toys such as vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, and (if you’re feeling brave) anal hooks.
My Dom and I are spanking aficionados and always keen to incorporate impact play into our D/s scene. We have a wide range, including leather floggers, wooden paddles, tawse, canes, and whips.
Read: 9 spanking positions ideas & tips
That said, you don’t have to buy specialist equipment. A wooden spoon, hairbrush, belt, and table tennis bat are perfect for smacking an ass, or for the simplest option – just use your hand.
Explore dominant roleplay
Roleplay is fun and adds plenty of spice to a power exchange scenario, and there are plenty of roles you can take where you hold the power.
I’ve played out a few scenarios with my Dom, and he plays his role with gusto, be it a stern teacher, a dictatorial boss, a domineering prison guard, or a ruthless kidnapper.
You can use props and costumes to bolster the scene and choose an appropriate setting as a backdrop. Just be careful where you play.
A friend of mine and her Dom decided to engage in an abduction scene whereby he dragged her from what they thought was a deserted country road and bundled her into his van.
Unfortunately, a farmer spied them from a nearby field, and they had some explaining to do when the cops arrived.
Read: 14 erotic role-play prompts and scenarios to try with your partner
Provide aftercare
D/s scenarios can be exhilarating, but they can also be physically and emotionally draining for both of you. This is where aftercare comes in. Offer your partner comfort and reassurance to ensure they feel safe and cared for.
Aftercare is important for the Dominant partner too, so look after one another.
You might want to have a snack or drink, cuddle, chat, or simply relax. Check in with one another emotionally and come back down to earth slowly.
Read: The Complete BDSM Aftercare Guide: Learn How To Do It Right.
Embrace sexual dominance
To explore power play positively, you will need mutual respect and trust in one another.
Communication is key - if you can’t talk openly to your partner about engaging in D/s you can’t expect to enjoy a successful scene.
Always gain consent and negotiate and make a pact not to rush things. If you want to be sexually dominant in bed, you will need to build confidence and learn what works well for both of you.